Why can't I be happy for them?

This is my first post, having been inspired by my fellow bloggers to start a blog!

Having been on the rollercoaster that is the Baby Trail for a few years, I've now turned to surrogacy. During this journey I've found out that I have lupus, a not particularly easy to live with autoimmune disease. Each time I get pregnant my immune system goes into overdrive and rejects my embies as they try to nestle in. I've met some fabulous people along the way, and some awful doctors. I've really learnt who my friends are and have realised that you can't push your family into supporting you. My mum thinks that lupus is like the 'flu and that I 'should just get on with it'. I think on some level she feels guilty that her genes have contributed to this. Sometimes when I'm at a low ebb I want to tell her that my hair is falling out and my joints are aching and I fear another miscarriage. As I miscarry so early, she doesn't believe that I'm pregnant (blood tests don't lie!). She's even said to me that I can't expect to be pregnant when I've been with 'so many men over the last few years'. That would be two in eight years! Both of whom I've lived with. Anyway, this is turning in to a bit of a self-pitying rant!

I've decided enough is enough! We're heading out to India in September. I'm so anxious about whether this will work. This is are only shot. We're skint as a result of all the fertility treatments I've had! I've been told that my immune system may have damaged my eggs, but I'm hoping that this isn't the case. It's all I want, to be able to have a baby with my partner. We would try an egg donor if this didn't work, but the immigration issues then become far more complex (due to nationality, settlement rules for EEA citizens, etc...) My partner is losing enthusiasm for surrogacy as he feels it is a most unnatural way to have children but I can't do it any other way. The way I see it is how a child was brought into this world becomes less and less important as they grow. It's the child that counts not who carried them. I'm convincing him slowly.

I found out a couple of days ago that my friend, and future sister-in-law, is pregnant with her third child. This immediately set my chin wobbling as I desperately tried not to cry in a restaurant. No luck! I had to dash off to the toilet and create a flood of tears. When I came home, I went down to the river with a bottle of wine and spent a couple of hours drinking and crying some more. I also spent some time naming and saying goodbye to the ten children that I have lost.

Why can't we all only be able to have two, to replace ourselves and our partner? Why do some of us have to go through this agony? I know this life is unfair but sometime I need to rail against it. I would make a brilliant mum without having to go through this hurt.

My younger sister became pregnant on her first try last year. She's since had a baby boy. Knowing the names I intended to give my children she chose one of them for hers. How crap is that? Luckily my mum stepped in. I saw her last weekend at my dad's 60th. I could hardly stop crying. I didn't mean to ruin anyone's night but I've lost five babies since she became pregnant. She walked passed me with her pram and said 'Don't worry, it's empty.' I didn't want to make her feel guilty, but she could be a little more sensitive.

Rant over....